Contemplate
by Tara Phoenix
Summary: Post Movie. How does a life unfold? Jim Barris contemplates his life while in holding. Rated M for language and moderate sexual content. Please R&R.


**I just watched A Scanner Darkly last night and got inspired. I'm in the process of hunting down a copy of the book so everything you read is solely based on my interpretation of the movie. It is set post movie as well.**

**I fell in Love with Robert Downy Jr as James Barris, so, yeah :) **

**Hope you enjoy. Please review.  
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How do people get where they are? If one spends every second contemplating every second that lead to that second… well… would there be anything to contemplate at all? Everyone has a past… everyone has a immeasurable count of moments that shapes who they are. What if those moments were changed? What would have changed all this?

James Barris had been in the cell for two days. No one has spoken to him for two days. He hadn't spoken to anyone for two days. Worst of all, he hadn't had _anything_ for two days.

No cigarettes, no coke, no D. Barris was starting to get desperate.

When the _very _silent attendant brought him his lunch on the third day, any resistance to acting crazed that he once had was gone. Barris threw himself against the door shoving his face into the little opening where the food was supposed to come through.

"Hey! Hey there, man am I glad to see you!" he said quickly hoping he wouldn't be tazered or beaten. The attendant was wearing one of the freaky scramble suits. Those things always made Barris unsure of which eye to watch because they never matched. "I was um- well yes, wondering how much longer my, unjust, incarceration will be," he started to rattle, but then the door was shut and he stood back up.

Taking his tray of cold food back to his cot he sat down and opened the bottle of water. It tasted awful to him, but he drank anyways because for the last three hours he had assessed that the authorities were going to kill him with neglect while trying to pump him for information. He pulled apart the sandwich and checked it for visible tampering. Knowing that just because he could see nothing didn't mean it wasn't there he put the food down and slid it back towards the door.

Resting his head in his hands he looked around the blank walls. He took his glasses off and sat back closing his eyes. "Jim," her voice called out to him. Barris jumped and looked around. He was still alone.

That one little fragmented whisper of a memory was enough though to make him start to contemplate the owner.

Hannah had been fifteen he was sixteen three months away from seventeen when things had gotten real, when his life had started. She had been the catalyst. She was perfect.

Like brother and sister they had been nigh inseparable growing up. As children they had run barefoot in suburbia. They rode the bus to school, where they caused harmless trouble together. Yet they were the two smartest in the class. Hannah covered the humanities while Jim took the Mathematics and science. Together there was nothing that could stop them.

He remembered the first time they had smoked cigarettes behind the bleachers of the school. She was twelve, but she seemed older. He was thirteen, but had felt younger.

There was something so undeniably beautiful about that girl as smoke curled from her lips. Her hair was messy and her makeup was always smudged giving her that just woke up look. A look that was angelic as she wore her black four sized too big hoodie hanging off one shoulder.

She had gotten the pack off of an older kid. After a good drag she removed the stick from her mouth and offered it to him. He hesitated and she grinned. "Come on," she said with a snarky little smile. He took it from her fingers and put it in his lips.

Since it was their first time both of them nearly coughed up a lung. Regardless though, it was over for them, that was the first time they put anything in and even that mild mild drug had them. Everyday they went out to the bleachers during lunch and smoked.

Then high school rolled around. It was the same shit under a new name, but the stakes kept getting higher.

Jim had his first girlfriend over his freshman summer. He got just about as far as grabbing her tits before she dumped him for some other guy. Jim went back to Hannah with his tail between his legs. During his stint of boyfriend-hood he had completely ditched her. Per normal Hannah was there and waiting to pick up the fractured pieces.

As far as addiction had gone she and Jim stuck to tobacco and alcohol. They played on the side of safety for the most part. They rotated nights when one would stay sober to keep an eye on the other, if they were at parties. During their private nights however both got pretty smashed.

"Turn it up!" she laughed standing on his couch. He turned the dial and the bass music thumped through their chests. She continued to giggle as they danced around, trying desperately not to spill the drinks.

He danced his way past her and she saw fit to tackle him. Both of them ended up on the floor and the cups ended up somewhere under the couch as their contents soaked into the carpet. She rested her head on his chest grinning at him. "I love this song!" she shouted over the music. He was so wasted he didn't answer; his soaked brain just registered how much he loved the girl. She got up clumsily to his disappointment. "To Jasmine! And all her whore-ish glory!" she laughed grabbing an empty cup and toasting some unseen person.

Jim drug himself up onto the couch and relaxed into it. She turned the music down and he looked over his shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked flopping over the couch arm and into his lap. He sighed.

"Oh, just you know, I got dumped today, I'm just a little down," he said. She grinned a little looping her arms around his neck.

"Don't be sad, shit happens she was a bitch and you deserve better," she said very promptly. He gave a huff of laughter.

"She dumped me for Zach," he said. Hannah slid off of his lap and onto the couch beside him.

"Zach isn't that great," she sighed.

"How would you know?" he asked.

"Oh come on, I've been around, you aren't the only one who takes romantic missions on," she said. He felt himself flush a little.

Hannah was always roaming through boyfriends; she never seemed to keep one more than two weeks. Jim looked at her again. "You've been with Zach?" he asked.

"Briefly," she replied.

"Briefly constitutes less than a week," he said raising an eyebrow.

"Eight days," she replied.

"Close enough," he muttered.

Dinner was slid through the hole and Jim woke from his thoughts. He stood up and grabbed the food quickly. As he had hoped a plastic fork was included in package.

"Now… if I can reverse engineer the lock," he muttered looking at the plastic prongs. "If I only had the right tools," he sighed.

"You can do it," he voice echoed through the room.

"Oh please Hannah," he muttered. "Please… stop playing and help me out of here," he looked up at the conspicuous speck that was next to the lights. "I always tried to help you," he added.

Hannah's eye was dark when she came to school. Jim saw her trying to brush makeup over it in the mirror that hung in her locker. "Hannah?" he asked walking up to her. She whipped her hair over the offending sight. "Hannah," he repeated.

"Morning Jim," she said clutching her books to her chest.

"Who did this?" he asked brushing her hair away.

"Jim it's nothing," she shook her head.

"No, it's not nothing," he said grabbing her arm when she tried to walk away.

"Jim!" she snapped.

"Hannah, who did this?" he asked.

"Nick," she mumbled.

"Nick?" he repeated. "The Nick that brought you to the movie last night?" he asked.

"Yes," she wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I told you you could ride home with me," he sighed.

"I know, Jim… he would never do this again, we just had a really bad fight," she said shaking her head.

"No! No, Hannah! Don't you fucking defend him!" Jim snapped.

"Jim please don't do this," she sighed.

"No no, you stay right here," he said motioning for her to stay. Hannah had to watch as he stormed off down the hall.

"Nick! Hey!" Jim shouted. Nick spun around.

"What do you want?" Nick snapped. Jim grabbed Nick and pinned him against the wall.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing slapping Hannah around!" Jim snapped. Nick pushed him away.

"What?" Nick shouted. "Get the fuck away! Me and Hannah are none of your business!" he growled.

Then the boys came to blows. Jim got in a couple good jabs in, but Nick was just meaner. Not only was he twice as wide as Jim, but several inches taller and as they found out, Nick was also packing a knife.

Jim was slammed back into the lockers with the knife sticking out of his side. Hannah had pushed her way to the front of the crowd by that time. "Jim!" she shrieked.

Nick drug Jim to the floor and started to choke him. "Nick! Stop it! Stop it!" Hannah shouted grabbing Nick and trying to free Jim, but the boys were tangled up good and Jim was losing. "Nick stop it you're killing him!" Hannah screamed beating Nick.

Finally Nick became annoyed enough to release Jim and start his attack on Hannah. As Jim gasped for breath he pulled the knife out of himself and rolled over. Seeing Hannah being beaten though, was enough to get him up off the floor again despite the pain. "Barris!" one of his friends said throwing a bat at Jim.

Jim snatched it and commenced beating the living shit out of Nick. After that he passed out and woke up in a hospital.

Jim ran his fingers over the scar on his side. He looked back up at the speck on the ceiling. Outside all those people in scramble suits were probably watching still. He leaned back in the cot and shut his eyes.

"It's okay she's okay," Jim said to the nurse as she tried to bar Hannah from the hospital room. Hannah came to his side.

"Hey, I would have been here when you woke up, but I've been at the police station all morning," she said sitting down.

"Your eye looks better," he observed pointing to her then noticing the clip on the end of his finger.

"Well you've been under for three days," she said.

"Oh," he nodded a little. "So what's been happening?"

"Nick is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder," she said.

"Uh-huh… and me?" he asked.

"You're not being charged," she replied.

"How did you swing that I started the fight," he muttered.

"On the record you didn't," she smiled gently. "Turns out most of the spectators like you better than Nick… and I'm pretty good with the cops," she added. He grinned. "Thank you by the way," she said putting her hand on his.

"No problem," he replied.

"Why'd you do it though? He could have killed you," she sighed.

"This is what we do, we look out for each other. If someone is smacking you around I'm going after them," he replied. She gave a sad smile. "Don't feel bad… I'm still here aren't I?" he added. She nodded in relief. "And you can pay me back right now," he smiled. "You got a smoke?"

Hannah got up and opened the window before pulling out a couple cigarettes. He hauled himself out of the bed and came to sit beside her on the sill. She put one in his lips and then her own. Both of them lit up blowing the smoke out the window.

"Hannah... answer a question for me," he sighed.

"Hmm?" she looked at him attentively.

"Why do you always pick these guys?" he asked before taking another drag. She looked down at the gardens outside.

"I don't know," she sighed.

"You need to find someone who will love you," he sighed.

"I know," she replied.

"Then why don't you?" he asked.

"Because I haven't found him yet," she replied honestly.

"Oh…" he nodded as he snuffed out the cigarette and dropped it out the window. Pushing the IVs back to the bed with him he sat down.

"You're wondering why we haven't…" she trailed off still looking out the window.

"Is that what you think?" he murmured.

"I just think that… we're so close… we've grown up together… I never thought of you that way," she said softly. Jim leaned back into the pillows, his heart was crushed and he wanted to confess his love, but held back. "Well, I've got to go," she said snuffing out her cigarette.

"Okay," he replied hollowly.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she added before pecking him on the forehead.

His phone rang that night and Jim strained to grab the thing from the bedside table. Finally he was able to get the receiver off of the hook. "Hello?" he asked.

"It's Hannah," she said.

"Hey," he murmured.

"I have a question for you now… did you want to?" she asked.

"Did I want to what?" he was having a hard time following.

"Did you want me to say you are the guy that won't hurt me?" she sounded like she was drunk.

"Hannah you know I love you," he replied.

"Did you want to be more than my brother?" she asked. He paused.

"Yeah… but I understand why ," he muttered.

"Okay… goodnight Jim," she replied and before he could reply the line clicked down. He fell back asleep not wanting to wrestle with the issues anymore.

Four days passed before Jim saw Hannah again. He had been discharged and was sleeping on his couch at home. Only being half asleep he heard the key go in the lock and opened his eyes in time to see Hannah enter the house. They both had keys.

"Hey," he grunted as he shifted on the couch.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Sore, but it's not that bad now," he replied.

"Sorry I haven't been around, things have been crazy," she said.

"I understand," he nodded. She sat down on the couch next to him. "So what have I been missing at school?" he asked.

"I wouldn't know, I dropped out," she said. Jim did a double take.

"Excuse me?" he almost choked on the air.

"I just can't go there anymore, I mean, where is it taking me?" she throwing her hands up.

"Uh… taking you through the rest of your life," he replied.

"No it's not. They jam you into a little box and make you a conformist. I'm not Jim, I have to learn in a more naturalistic way," she sighed. "Oh, by the way, I brought something," she said opening her bag. She pulled out a baggie.

"Oh god," he rolled his eyes.

"It's killing two birds with one stone. I can say thank you and help you with the pain," she said.

"I though you couldn't get a hold of anything," he said watching her roll a joint.

"Well, one of the dealers felt so bad about you getting knifed and all, he cut me a deal," she said. He gave a small laugh.

"Good to know something came of this," he said as she handed one to him. They lit it and he took the first drag. "Whoa," he said letting the smoke out. She took a hit.

"Oh man," she coughed. It didn't take too long for them to burn through the first joint and start a second. Jim loved alone with his Father who was almost never at home, so they had nothing to fear of being caught.

Two hours later they were both sprawled on the couch making witty comments about whatever happened to pop up on TV. "So, have I made it up to you?" she asked.

"Sure, why not? I mean, a little weed in exchange for my flesh," she shrugged joking but her brow furrowed.

"Really?" she muttered.

"Hannah I was only ki-" he didn't have time to finish his sentence. Her lips locked on his and he succumbed to her sweet taste. The kiss was long and lingering and he couldn't help but put a hand behind her head, bringing her closer. Then she drew away and their eyes locked for a moment. He saw something in those pools that hadn't been there before. "Hannah," he whispered.

Headlights shone through the front windows. "Shit!" She hissed jumping off the couch and grabbing the baggie full of weed. "I thought your dad was gone for a while!" she said as she stuffed it down her shirt.

"So did I," he said.

"I'll go out the back," she said as she grabbing her bag and slinging it over her shoulder. She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. "Goodbye," she whispered and then she was gone. Jim felt unsettled by the goodbye. Normally she would have said see you later.

Jim rolled over on the cot. Breakfast had been delivered again. The speck on the ceiling was still watching him. He hadn't heard another humans voice for far too long, and he was starting to shake from the lack of drugs. He sat up and doubled over, hugging himself.

"Oh shit…" he muttered to himself.

"Mr. Barris?" a voice came making Jim jump. He hadn't heard the door open. He looked at the scramble suit clad person before him. "Mr. Barris you are being transferred," it was a female voice.

"Transferred? Transferred where?" he asked standing up.

"New path," she replied. He backed up pressing his back against the wall.

"Whoa! No! No I am not," he shook his head. "That's a voluntary program, and you do _not _have my consent!" he snapped.

"Mr. Barris you can go to New Path or you can go to jail, its your call," she said.

"Why am I not being released?" he asked.

"While you were in holding you showed signs of drug abuse, giving us probable cause," she said stepping towards him. He pulled his fork out of his pocket.

"Madam I'm sorry but if you come one step closer I will be forced to use this," he said in a warning tone.

"Jim put it down," she sighed. He cocked his head.

"What did you just call me?" he asked. She moved like lightening breaking the fork in his hand and pinning him against the wall. "Wait! Wait! What did you call me?" he repeated as she handcuffed him. She didn't reply as she marched him to the door and out into the hall.

The female handed him off to two, what seemed to be, males. She went in the opposite direction of them. "No! Hey! Hannah?" he shouted fighting against his handlers, but it was no good. The shock he felt in his side was brief but painful and then everything went black.

It had been two weeks since he had seen Hannah. Jim had returned to school, but things just weren't the same. When he looked for her he couldn't find her. Not at her home, not at their usual spots, no one had seen her.

He was sitting on his couch making sure to neglect the homework that was due the day before, when a knock came at the door. He got up and padded over peeking out the curtains first.

"Hannah?" he asked as he opened the door. She was standing on the steps, soaked to the bone in rain, and shivering so hard it was as if she was feeling the effects of an earthquake all on her own.

"Jim," she said sounding like she was about to cry.

"Come here," he said pulling her inside and securing the door again. "Jesus, you're soaked," he muttered as he grabbed the blanket from the couch and wrapped it around her. "Where have you been?" he asked as he gently rubbed her a little.

"Mom and Dad kicked me out of the house when I dropped out… I left for the east coast," she replied. He took the corner of the blanket and wiped her face dry.

"You went east?" he asked.

"Yeah… but…" she took little sharp breaths on the verge of tears. "I couldn't… I couldn't… I'm so sorry," she whispered before breaking down. Jim pulled her into his arms.

"Come here, come on, lets sit down," he said leading her to the kitchen. He seated her in a chair and got a glass of water for her. "You're okay," he said as she continued to shake violently.

"Jim… can I stay with you?" she asked.

"Of course you can," he answered without hesitation.

It took Jim half an hour to coax Hannah out of her drenched clothes and into some dry ones, then he put her down in his bed and pulled the covers up over her. "Okay, there, now, you just rest, and we can talk about things in the morning. I'll take the couch," he said. She grabbed his hand.

"No!" she shouted. "Please stay," her vice sounded small. She pulled him back into the bed and before he knew it he was under the covers with her. "I'm still cold," she whispered as she cuddled up to him.

Jim used every ounce of his discipline to not develop something very embarrassing under the sheets as her breath blew on his neck. He put an arm around her allowing her closer. Then she was gone into a deep sleep.

Jim sat up on a cot. He had been stripped over his street clothes and was now adorned in some sort of pale grey uniform. Getting up he went to the door and looked out the little window. A sticker reading 'New Path' was on the wall. He tried the door handle and it refused to budge.

"Damn it," he hissed before looking back at the blank room.

When Jim woke the next morning Hannah was not beside him. Just as he started to sit up in bed the door opened and she entered wearing a towel. Jim couldn't tear his eyes away when she dropped it.

"Good morning," she said.

"Morning," he murmured staring at her. After she pulled on some clothes and he regained some sense he grabbed a pillow and placed it on his lap trying to hide himself inconspicuously. She smiled and sat down on the bed again.

"Thank you, for letting me stay here," she said.

"No problem," he shook his head a little. "But I do have to ask… what brought you home?" he asked.

"You…" she replied quietly. Jim hadn't expected that answer.

"Oh," he replied dumbly.

"Do you still love me?" she asked.

"Of course," he said gently. She nodded and a moment of awkwardness come over them. "So… does that mean?" he shook his head at a loss for words.

"I love you too," she said before inching closer to him and capturing his lips with hers. This kiss was deeper than the first one. She crawled up onto him sitting on his lap as her hands went to his face. His arms looped around her and settled on her lower back.

"Hannah you don't have to - do this," he said in-between her frantic kisses. "You can stay here anyway," he said. She stopped and buried her face in his neck.

"You think that's why?" she asked.

"Well I just wanted to be sure that you're-" her lips silenced him again.

"Shhh," she shushed putting a finger over his lips. "When I was about to get on that plane, I started to think about you… and I realized I love you. You've always been here for me, and you understand me, and I don't want to waste anymore time ignoring that," he said running her hands down his chest.

"You haven't been ignoring it, we've always been best friends and people have always assumed we were together… we just fell into routine," he shrugged then ran his hand down the side of her face. She kissed him again.

"Time for a new routine," she said with a smile.

Jim flinched when the door opened and white light hit him. Realizing they had come to start his detoxification he did the only thing he could thing of. Slamming himself into the attendant he got out the door and into the hallway.

Blindly running away he found a door and went through only to be tackled on the other side. "No! No! Let me go! I don't belong here!" he shouted struggling as he was restrained. "I'm going to sue your ass! I swear to god! All of you!" he screamed as they carted him back to his room.

The door was slammed shut and a curtain was put over the outside of the window. Jim paced back and forth in the darkness.

Jim entered his house after work. He dropped his bag by the door and sighed. It had been three months since Hannah had moved in with him. His father was pursuing some sort of business deal in China and they had not been bothered by anyone else.

"Hannah I'm home," he called feeling strongly old.

"I'm in the kitchen!" she said. Something was strange about her voice and he promptly went to see what she was doing.

Hannah was on her knees beside the kitchen table. On the wood were lines of white powder and in her hand was a rolled up twenty. "Jesus," he muttered.

"I would have waited but I just had to try it," she said grinning at him. He sighed and sat down at the table.

"Um, Hannah, not that I have any aversion to drugs, the whole damn world is addicted after all, but do you think you're fucking yourself up?" he sighed.

"No, come on baby you gotta try this," she said offering him a twenty. He looked at it.

"Hannah, they do drug screens at school still," he said.

"Why do you keep going back?" she asked hoisting herself up into a chair.

"Because I have to get a diploma and get a job and sur-vi-ve," he broke the word into junks enunciating very clearly.

"Well I don't have a diploma and I've got a job," she argued.

"Really? Where are you working?" he crossed his arms.

"I went yesterday and put in an application for a waitress job," she said.

"Just because you applied does not mean you have a job," he smiled.

"Jim why are you being such a wet blanket? All we used to talk about was being able to get the real stuff and now that we have it you're freaking out," she sighed.

"Where did you get this anyway?" he asked.

"I sold my plane ticket a while back, final got around to spending the money," she replied as she used a razor to better shape one of the lines. He gave a small smile.

"Is it good?" he asked.

"Try it and feel all your working boy troubles melt away," she grinned. He leaned forward and snorted a line.

"Whoa!" he exclaimed sitting up as his eyes watered and his nose burned at the sensation. He sniffed a couple times wiggling his nose.

"Just wait till it kicks in," she said.

The lights were turned on in the room and some food was pushed in through the door. Jim hardly noticed. Sometime during the night they had zip tied his hands together. He'd been working on chewing himself to freedom since he woke up.

"Jesus Christ how strong are these fucking things?" he sighed. He was sitting on the floor with his back to the door.

"Pretty strong, no way you're going to chew yourself out of there," someone said. Jim flopped sideways onto the floor.

"Hannah?" he exclaimed.

"Hey Jim," she replied sitting cross-legged on his cot.

"W-w-w-what the fuck?" he managed to stammer out.

"What not happy to see me?" she asked.

"No," he drew the word out. "I just… you… and uh-" for the first time in forever he didn't have any words. She got up off the bed and opened the door. "Hey, whoa whoa whoa, wait!" he said struggling to crawl after her. "Hannah don't leave!" he exclaimed but it was too late and she was gone, leaving him all alone. "Hannah! Hannah! Hannah come back!" he shouted. Barris was left all alone to contemplate his life.


End file.
